7 days ago, my grandmother’s doctor called me with grave concerns for her health and well-being. His recommendations moving forward were that she no longer live on her own. He said our family had 24 hours to make arrangements for her or the state would step in. The next day, I kidnapped her.

My grandmother was diagnosed with dementia years ago. Those that know her personally know that my grandmother is a strong, proud and independent AFRICAN AMERICAN WOMAN. This disease was not about to get her down. Her birth in 1934 afforded her to witness and partake in some historical events that would shape and mold our history and culture moving forward. She is a survivor of domestic violence and institutional racism. Gran Gran is a natural born FIGHTER. I knew this transition would not be a walk in the park.

Last week, I drove to her home with my documentation in hand to support me. My feelings were conflicted. I was anxious and happy at the same time. I knew she didn’t need to be on her own and had been asking her for YEARS to come and live with me. She would simply respond, “I’m not “there” yet.” Well, we were “there” now and I wasn’t prepared. She wasn’t either. I was relieved that the intensive care she needed was mandatory and she could no longer contest it. I was sad because I was confronted with the fact that my Mom/Grandmother had aged right before my eyes and there was nothing I could do about it. I read the doctors recommendations aloud to her as I watched the fear and disappointment in her eyes. After I was done reading, she stood up, handed me her keys and said let’s go!🙌🏾

These seven days have not been easy by a long shot. She’s had to make MANY adjustments. The hardest adjustment yet has been her coming to the realization that she was losing her independence. Through the support of my family and friends as well as Gran Gran’s willingness, we have survived lol! One of my friends said that I would be blessed for taking care of her. I don’t see it that way. I believe that this was ordained by God and the Universe that day she kidnapped me in 1985. My blessing is the ability to care for her and ensure that she enjoys the rest of the time that God has gifted her. I remember as a child, Coach Pitre told me that the day would come that my Grandmother wouldn’t be able to drive. Back then, I didn’t understand what he was trying to tell me. I am happy and grateful to say I get it now. Here’s to MANY years to come Driving Miss Daisy!

The sun will come out tomorrow, but today I found out that I am an orphan. Webster defines an orphan as a child who has lost one or both parents to death. Although my father physically passed away in 2004, he died that night he showed up to my grandmothers’ house around 4 am to tell me he was going away to “make money”. He was preceded in death by my mother who lost her life to drugs, emotional and physical abandonment long before I was placed in her womb. Then there was I, the orphan at my grandmothers’ house. 

For 33 years I had convinced myself that the dysfunctional relationships in my family were a result of different people simply not being able to “get along”. I was oblivious to the presence of death that festered deep within the souls of those I called “family”. I cherished them more than they cared for me. The more I blossomed and tried to grow, the more the infertile soil I had been planted in tried to snuff out my roots. Is it possible for a beautiful flower to bloom in the midst of unturned soil? Yes, but the process is one that we don’t witness until the beauty breaks the ground that tried to kill it before it even had a chance to see the sun. I am that rare flower.  

Many of you know my struggles internally and externally. I’m no stranger to being talked about or ridiculed publicly. I lived the majority of my life on a public stage and I never knew it until now. The realization of being an orphan came to me by surprise like a gut punch by the person you had been bullied by all year. The bully has and always been myself and the illusion of “all-togetherness” that I tried to portray in the midst of utter chaos. 

As I mentioned in my literary piece I read in the 2016 Listen To Your Mother showcase, I was taken in by my grandmother after my parent’s inability to provide me with a stable living environment. Maslow’s Theory on the hierarchy of needs expresses specific milestones that must be met in order for a person to reach self-actualization. Self actualization is total personal satisfaction with ones’ life that comes later on with age equipping he/she with the ability to love and nurture others. The most basic stages before self actualization include physiological needs met in infancy, safety, love/belonging and esteem. I’m certain that my grandmother, father and mother had not achieved any of these before I came into the picture. The deficiencies of all three of my parents yielded me little to no chance at achieving my own self actualization. However, my competitive will to survive and win compels me to fight this predisposition with everything in me. 

As I started to piece together some of the most damaging experiences I had encountered in my earlier stages of development that shaped and molded my outlook on the world, I recognized that I still had some healing to do. I had to admit to myself that I was not ok with being an orphan with living parental figures and that that was ok. I had to accept the harsh, but much needed words that rang in my ears and hurt me to my core. But that was ok too. I had to tell the truth about this past life I had constructed in my heart and head that was filled with mostly positive experiences that hid the darkness I had inherited by simply being born an orphan. I accepted me. 

Despite what many see on the outside, my life has been very short of a cake walk. The moment I decided that I wanted to obtain my self actualization, I’ve been met with numerous obstacles seeking to deter and essentially make my children orphans. Today started another milestone in my journey and healing that I call vulnerable transparency. To me, this means that I am no longer harboring the pain and feelings associated with the decisions of others. I’m choosing to acknowledge, out of secret, that those experiences damaged and changed me. It hurts and is very unpleasant. I even feel sick to my stomach. But I FEEL. I’ve been numb for far too long allowing more and more hurt to ensue without the ability to process any of it. Annie said it was a hard knock life, but damn this is ROUGH. 

This is one of the very few pictures I have where my grandmother is smiling genuinely. When I ran track, she always had a big smile on her face when I would return to my seat after competing. Every piano recital ended with dinner and flowers. School accomplishments were praised without regard. I’m sure she was very proud of me and I reveled in that. Anytime I did what she wanted me to, that big smile would be waiting to greet me. I’m sure this is when I became a people pleaser and deathly afraid of disappointing others. When I decided that I wanted to be happy and live for me, our “relationship” changed permanently and that smile soon dissipated. I think she is struggling with aging, many unfulfilled desires and her own unhealed pains. I still love and respect her nonetheless. I wish her life had been different long before me. Maybe she would have been able to see in herself what I admired in her all along. Maybe this is what needed to happen to help me grow into what I was meant to be. Maybe………

When I met you, I craved you. Drunk in infatuation, my soul yearned for you. We connected instantly. Sparks igniting what we both wanted and needed deep down inside and eventually. I was broken. You were too. That didn’t matter because we were what we both needed. Our hearts instinctually conceded. 

Caught up in a whirlwind of emotions we’ve both never felt before, but knew existed. We were each other’s in this life and the next. I fantasized about your touch uninhibited. You were designed just for me. We shared a deeper spiritual connection that was more than the words husband and wifey. 

I learned about this type of energy from 90’s r&b music. I tried to fight it, but your words consumed my mind, body and soul like my favorite song. I’m smiling for no reason. Damn this is definitely a Love Jones. 

Weeks passed, we grew closer. Time was an intoxicating blur of late night talks exposing our hopes, dreams and fears to one another. Both equally afraid of each other in our desperate attempts to ignore the universes strongest weapon that had been unholstered. The trigger was pulled the day you spoke to me. Cupid really didn’t lie this time. Maybe I was ready.

Our connection is like my favorite playlist while we’re just kicking it. Mary taught me at a young age that real love existed. Her soulful pained voice warned me that I still needed to reminisce to prevent being emotionally conflicted. Dru Hill said it should be you. Usher and Alicia made you my boo. I needed you. You needed me. Lost in your galaxy is where I want to be. 

There are no labels or titles to describe what we have. Expectations do not exist in this type of reality. We just are. This type of love is rare. If this is even love. What can we call it? You are my light. My king. My peace. I’m yours. Elevate me. 

~Z.Reed 

Inspired by the dope art of @reeseroyce215 

• 

My visible scars tell of a completely altered story more sinister than the presence of the remnants of the emotional toil I have endured. I am stronger than what you said I was. I am better than what you once convinced me to believe. I soar. 

I AM WOMB-man. 

The rich melanin in my skin that was given to me by the gods and goddesses I call ancestors instills in me the courage I need to look fear in the face and say not TUHDAY. I win because I have to. I live because where there is life there is also light. I thrive. 

I AM WOMB-man. 

I am very much my past, present and future. All of these things determined who I was, am as well as who I will be. The shadows are no longer there where I kept some of the ugliest things I didn’t even want to know about myself. I wear that ugly with my head held high as a badge of honor in the physical, mental and emotional present. I live. 

I AM WOMB-man. 

I am a slave to the expectations of society. I hide the evidence and presence of my ability to give life. I daydream over what could be if I loose that final baby weight even though my child is four years old. I fantasize about what it’s like to be waited on hand and foot with a nanny for each child. My reality greets me with multiple duties that I must fulfill daily before doing them all over again the next day. I dream. 

I AM WOMB-man. 

From WOMB-man, nations are birthed. We are the givers and sustainers of life. Without WOMB-man time stands still. No meals are prepared, no hair will be groomed, no egos will be stroked and no voices of reason will be heard. WE are the nucleus and balance that is so desperately needed to restore equilibrium in an ever changing dysfunctional world. 

I AM WOMB-man. 

Happy Mother’s Day my QUEENS! Today is reserved to honor US. I salute each and everyone of you that have and are sticking this ultimate commitment out. 

“Becoming a mother changes you forever. I am better because of it”-Z. Reed 💋👧🏾👦🏾

Today was my first day back in the classroom after a much needed winter break. I tried to spread my positive rays and refreshed way of thinking upon my students as I debriefed them on what was to be expected this semester. Instead of being greeted with the excitement I hoped for, I was met with the normal sighs and blank stares that I left in December. One of my students in my first period class verbosely stated that she hated school. Despite her polite and deliberate matter of fact demeanor, I wasn’t shocked at her response. I was however hurt and intently concerned.

I asked her why she felt that way and she responded simply stating that she doesn’t like to get up in the morning. I chuckled lightheartedly at her comment, but I was paying vey close attention to the dynamic of the class discussion in response to her remark. To change pace, we started talking about goals, planning, life and expectations. I decided that constructing vision boards would be an excellent teaching tool and reinforcement in regard to our discussion. Once again, I experienced a sense of great despondence as my students struggled to glue their hopes and dreams on a piece of colored construction paper.

My kiddos reluctantly completed their boards and I listened proudly as they presented them. The majority of the boys in my classes stated that they wanted to be rich, football or basketball players. Only two male students stated that they wanted to be a chemical engineer and restaurant owner. The girls occupations consisted of hairdressers, models and actors. Two of my girls mentioned that they aspired to be an athletic trainer and a doctor. Immediately, the clinician and social scientist in me started collecting data.

I noticed that my student’s sense of value and potential rested solely in their physical capabilities and materialistic ideologies. Needless to say, the majority of my students had little to no experience in what they aspired to be or do. Some ignored their true talent in effort to fit into the roles that society had adopted for them. This solidified my theory that states that we as African Americans are systematically groomed or more so conditioned to be mediocre and/or utilize our bodies instead of our minds as a means to make a living.

I believe that this skewed superficial way of thinking  is a result of a diminished sense of self worth, absent values and a whitewashed form of racial identity that remained after the effects of slavery. In the African American community, value is quantified by the type of car we drive or the cost of the trendiest gear we can afford. Identity is expressed through our ability to afford bundled weave instead of the packed hair that line the rows in our local beauty supply. Our worth rests in the amount of likes we can gain on various social media sites because being internet famous has become more important than life itself.

Who is to blame for this necessarily? Simply put, we all are. The child that excels in sports is praised publicly while the child that is exceeding academic expectations is simply told good job. We make these secondary constructs like sports immensely important while diminishing the roles of professionals that work just as hard, if not harder, but are compensated way less. We encourage our babies to be whatever they want to be, but don’t provide them with the tools to understand who they really are absent of what society perpetuates. Instead of our children becoming the doctors or attorneys they possess the potential to be, they end up settling for the laborer positions they were purposely groomed for.

Even with the opposition I was met with today, I will still push my students above and beyond what they believe their potential is. I am fully aware that once they leave me, all will not be able to travel the road to success that I have mapped out for them. As for now, I can only remain hopeful that I am giving them the tools they need to be the best them. In my class, the sky will continue to be the limit for those of my students that have dreams that are larger than life. I hope the others can grab ahold of that same magic carpet as their peers and float into the abyss of their individual personal success.

Today’s lesson: accountability breeds excellence. All of the words on the board work together to ensure success. If one is lacking or suffering in nature, our efforts can be in vain.

My kiddos vision boards!

Nothing comes to a sleeper but a dream. When he is truly awakened, his dreams hold the blueprint to his success.~Z.Reed💋👍🏾✌🏾️

If anything annoys me more it’s “New Year Resolutions”. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for self improvement, self awareness life revelations and all that other good stuff. However, I don’t believe that it takes a stroke of a clock or a flip of the calendar to invoke true change. Genuine change occurs when we recognize a deficiency and begin work to fix the problem. The reason why those workout plans and quit smoking resolutions NEVER work that we start with the new year are because they aren’t the least bit genuine. They are merely a way to get likes on social media, fit in with a particular group or a means to convince ourselves that what we are saying is true. 

2015 has brought about some revelations about myself and others that I’m going to carry into 2016. I know you guys are dying to read them so here they go lol! 

1. The less people know about you, the more they will speculate. The more people know about you, the more they will lie on and/or about you. Pick your poison.  

2. EVERYONE has their own personal agendas. Some are positive and some are negative. Be conscious of who’s agenda(s) you CHOOSE to be apart of as some can be detrimental to your own success. 

3.  EVERYONE wants to win, but everyone doesn’t want to play the game. Life is a gamble. Sometimes the very things you invest in cause you to crap out. Reshuffle the cards and bet again. 

4. Feelings of shame come from insecurities about our actions. You did it, been through it, tried it, survived it and now it’s apart of you. Confront your choices so that you can move on. No one can hold something against you that you don’t hold against your self. 

5. NO ONE will understand YOUR process. If what you’re doing makes sense to you, that’s all that matters. I’ve given up on many things in life, but education has NEVER been one of them. Once I’m done, I’m officially changing my name to Dr. Z. 👋🏾✌🏾️

6. It takes courage to go against the grain. Much of what we believe in is taught to us. Most of us don’t even understand the ways in which we think or are motivated to do the things we do. Understanding these objectives are a part of learning individual purpose. 

7. You are stronger than you think!!!! I know it’s cliche, but it’s true. I’ve witnessed so many people this year be products of their own ways of thinking. I still struggle with seeing the “good” in many things, but I choose to no longer allow fear or possible disappointment cloud my vision. It doesn’t hurt to try! 

8. The majority of people that try to discourage you from doing things are too afraid to attempt those very things themselves. You can’t take advice from EVERYONE. In fact, I avoid asking people their opinion on purpose. Often times when I do solicit the opinion of others it’s merely to justify what I’ve already decided to do. 

9. Take care of your heart, mind and soul. I left out body because we can manipulate the way we appear to others physically. It is hard to hide an infected way of thinking and being. Eventually, it spills over into our actions and people see who we really are. 👀

10. Live the life that YOU desire. No one but you has to deal with your regrets, what ifs, should of, could of, or would of’s. Eat good food, travel often, smile frequently, share willingly and love freely! All the other stuff in between will take care of itself except for Sallie Mae. ☠

Here are some moments that I didn’t get to share throughout the year. 

  My first brush with internet fame this year. I was psyched when Cole Haan and Cross Colours liked my picture. I was too hype lol! 

 The day after Christmas. Yummy Nummies taste like glue and vomit. Don’t judge, everyone ate paste in elementary school lol! 

Head wrap shorty. Christmas around the world school celebration.   

 Solid. ✊🏾 Caribbean Christmas.

Some of my high school babies.   

 Eli and I like grandmas’ sweet potato cookie pies over Patty Pies. Christmas Day shenanigans. 🍰🍪  These are the cutest reindeer EVER!!! 🎅🏾

 When you feeling yourself a tad too much and your contour finally stopped making you look dead. Hair so Southern.    Impromptu momcation. I love this show!!! 

 Daddy Daughter Dance.

 Straight A student so far! Good job Tianna! 📝🖍🖋🖊

  I was super geeked to meet the owners and stars of the show. Second brush with fame. Ok universe I hear you!!! Lol!

 Yesterday made 11 years to the date that you’ve been gone. It seems like yesterday. I can still remember your phone number. Seasonal sadness kicked my butt this year, but it’s getting easier. I miss you. R.I.P. Forever a Daddy’s Girl. 

🍾🍸🍷🍻🍺🍵☕️🍹🍼 Cheers to an awesome 2015 and an even more productive 2016. ✌🏾️

You promised that you would protect me and our child. Instead, your selfish controlling actions  permanently took away my smile. Now only left with the fond memories of my presence, my family is burdened with the results of your transgressions. 

Our daughter will grow up motherless to only be told by others how I tried to protect her because I loved her that much. The nights she wishes for me sad and lonely, she won’t be comforted by her mother’s touch. 

She will be filled with constant questions that no one can answer objectively in the absence of their pain. Why is my mommy not here? Why did my daddy do this to her? Your rage has left a permanent unremovable stain. 

I can only imagine how these past few days have been for her as she has not seen my face. I hope that she grows to know that her mommy loved her and even in her absence, a mother’s unconditional love can never be replaced. 

To my family, especially my parents, I know that you are hurt. I only ask that you remember me as I was and not for what this incident has caused you to assert. 

Take especially good care of my daughter as I know you all will. Support my mothers’ broken heart and help her to graciously heal. Today, I regretfully say goodbye only because I must. My physical body no longer here, but my spirit and soul in God I entrust. I love you all, but I’ve finally found emotional and physical peace. He can no longer hurt me, I am finally free. 

   
   
“Sometimes the people that appear the strongest in public are the most vulnerable in private” ~Z. Reed

Rest in Sweet Everlasting Peace Monique Powell and Dominique Thibodeaux. Enough is Enough. 

Today is my first borns’ 9th birthday. I thought it was befitting to dedicate my post to her. I joke and tell people that my first born was the practice child. Lately, I’ve been rethinking her title because of what she has done for my life. I believe that everyone encounters individuals that come into your life and effortlessly make you better just by their presence. She has done that for me. She is my guardian angel. 

There is a bond that a first born child shares with their parents that is absent of any other parent-child relationship. I don’t have a “favorite” child, but my experiences with my daughter makes us very close. She shares the ability to push my buttons as well as make me feel sorry for punishing her for something she did wrong. She knows what to say to get what she wants from both of her parents. She has always known what to do to uplift me in those very dark times of need. She has been more than just my daughter, she’s been my best friend. 

My daughter has been through every life changing event that I have endured. She literally saved and changed my life. She was there to wipe my tears when I was so hurt that I couldn’t even parent her. Her sweet voice always asking “mommy what’s wrong” and then following up her concern with “we will be ok.” I believed her because I had to in order to be her mother. I believed her because she had helped me change so much already. I believed her because our lives depended on it. 

I never wanted my child to be exposed to some of the things that she has experienced, but I believe that it happened for a reason. She knows unbiased compassion because she has had to go without. She knows unconditional love because her parents have never walked out on her when others did. She knows the value of hard work because her parents are literally piecing together a suitable life for her and her siblings with no help from anyone. She knows the importance of values and morals because those are the things that have kept her family grounded when our backs were one with the wall. She’s knows who she is absent of the expectations of the world because she is embraced for her inner as well as outer beauty. 

This kid has literally made me who I am today. Without her, I’m sure I would still be making the same detrimental mistakes of life. I can only hope that she is able to look beyond the mistakes that I’ve made with her as well as those that she has experienced because she was there. I celebrate my baby girl today in all of her beauty and excellence. Happy Birthday my love and many more to come.

Let’s take a trip down memory lane and beyond by her age. 

   
Age 1

Age 2

 

Age 3 
   Age 4

 Age 5

  
Age 6 

 Age 7 

  Age 8

 
  
She’s 9 TODAY! 

 To know her is to love her. 

I’m still surviving because I have to. I have a little girl that has been and is watching my every move. There were many days that I couldn’t see my way through. As simple as it is, her presence was my glue. 

Surviving used to be optional because it was easier to live a lie. When I decided to accept my ugly truth I chose to flourish and no longer die.

It was easier to heal from the physical scars as the wounds visually faded away. The pain that forever changed me deep inside would take time to be replaced. 

Eventually I chose to win instead of continuing to loose. I could no longer blame you for something that I had actively been apart of too. 

This process of rebirth has been far from easy, but I embrace every change, every pain and every joy. I reflect often because it is a reminder of where I used to be and what I am choosing to no longer avoid. 

This is me, making the best of the life I have and ultimately want. Growing, changing and surviving, I’ve only just begun. 
  
     

    

If she or he says it happened, believe them. Support Dometsic Violence Month. Break the silence. 

 

Being a teacher was destined for me through my personal experiences as a student. If it wasn’t for the positive qualities my teachers were able to see in me in the midst of the negative, I literally don’t know where I would have ended up. My teachers were the light out of the darkness that I so desperately needed due to my circumstances. I was given a chance to see a glimpse of the effects of my own light today. 

I am a Halloween fanatic! I love to dress up and watch scary movies, although I’m afraid of the dark lol! Due to the holiday season, I received a flyer from my school announcing a door decorating contest two days ago. Mind you, the contest is scheduled for tomorrow. 😩😒 I was immediately taken aback by the short notice. Initially, I told my students that I would NOT be participating, as I am planning my daughters’ birthday/Halloween bash. I walked into school today and was amazed at the decorations that my colleagues had created. I was so amazed that I still wasn’t completely sold on the idea of decorating my own area lol! 

My students kept asking me the ENTIRE first period of school if I was going to decorate. I said NO. They started moaning and complaining, as usual, until I eventually gave in. I think they have figured out if they harass the crap out of me I give in from utter annoyance. A trip to Party City, Dollar General and $40 later, they were elated. 

I watched them work together and delegate roles to one another. Students that aren’t usually social, were volunteering to assist. I saw smiles where I typically see despondence or uncertainty. I saw pride as the ENTIRE school awed over their creation. I set the fire alarm off TWICE  and caused an entire school evacuation with my fog machine. My principal was even captivated by our creation because I have not gotten into trouble. Fingers crossed lol! 👏🏾

Through teaching, I’ve learned that some of the things I take for granted or consider necessary are optional if considered at all to others. Some of my students were so excited they LITERALLY could not contain themselves. I’m concerned as to how class will blow over the next few weeks through Halloween. Oh joy! I am happy to be able to provide a positive experience for them to cherish for life. I hope they appreciate the efforts of all their teachers, including myself, that try to provide them with the extras of life. I hope they know that we care about them so much that we are willing to set off fire alarms  just so they can enjoy Halloween.  

   
   
   
 Being a teacher means being a parent, Doctor, counselor, dentist, chef, baby sitter and friend all in one. ~Z. Reed 👍🏾