Many people remain stagnant because they are unwilling to accept their circumstances for what they are. Here’s a little secret as well as  some harsh words of wisdom, no one cares. No one cares that you’re tired, your job still has to be done. No one cares about the struggles of your past, they have NOTHING to do with the products of your future. No one cares that you have dreams or aspirations when you aren’t putting the work in to achieve them. No one cares. 

I digested this harsh reality unwillingly. Life made me face just how much no one cared about or for me. In those moments, I only had myself to rely on and I grew stronger. My future cares nothing about the mistakes of my past. Only I do. The doubts of my past have no place in my future. 

When we face the reality of our circumstances we are able to do the work to change them. Psychology teaches us that our sense of  reality is created by our perceptions, wants or needs. Too often we live in a world of make believe because we are blinded by the desires of our minds and hearts. If we remove the shade from our eyes, our vision is no longer jaded by what we desire our circumstances to look like. Instead, we are able to see things for what they really are so that we may change them. 

   
And that’s ok. What did you learn from those experiences? 

 Self explanatory. Do the actual work and achieve the results. 

 
To discover who we TRULY are, we must remove the masks of who we pretend to be. ~Z.Reed

Today is bittersweet for me. It’s Grandparent’s Day at the school that I currently teach at. The readers of my blog also know that my son attends the same school. Based on what you guys have read about me, you may be able to infer where this post is going. As soon as I found out that this day was quickly approaching, I was filled with some sadness on behalf of my son. I’m sure that Journee will only remember the happiness he felt because he was able to have lunch with his “stand in grandparent’s”. But I, on the other hand, am only reminded of just how dysfunctional my family as well as my husbands’ family is. 

When I was made aware of this day, I begin to feel sorry for my kiddos. My immediate family’s inability to care about others more than they care about themselves causes my children to miss out on relationships that are integral to their successful development. This weekend we were invited to the birthday party of a coworkers daughter. I watched her mother play video games with her grandchildren willingly and happily. I felt immense empathy and sympathy for my children because they probably will never know what that feels like. Tianna has not had a grandparents’ presence at her birthday party since the age of 5. Journee never. 

I saw the look on his face as he saw his classmates line up to go to the first part of lunch. He cried because he didn’t understand why he had to wait. I’m sure he felt left out because he was only comforted by the hugs of my coworker. I thank you for that.😘 His eyes lit up when he saw his stand in grandmother and grandfather waiting for him in the lunch area. I knew I had made the best decision for him as he skipped to hug them. I can only hope that he will look back on this day with good memories because he didn’t have to eat alone. Yes it is only one lunch, but these are the things that children cherish for the rest of their lives. 

My children will probably never know what spoiled weekends at their biological grandparents’ home feels like. There will probably be no generational family portraits, pictures of them with their biological grandparent’s at award ceremonies or graduations. They will probably never have vacations with their grandparents that their parents are banned from. They probably will never share secrets with their biological grandparent’s or have any type of special bond that only they understand. They probably will never really be grandchildren and I’m not ok with that. But I have to be. 

Maybe one day they will have a relationship with their own grandparent’s and they won’t have to share with another child. Until then, I will be grateful for their stand in grandparent’s and continue to be the overcompensating mother that I am to ensure that they are never left alone on another Grandparent’s Day. 

  

   
    
 
This is literally how his lunch went lol! He wanted to eat dessert first. I thank you again K. Cutno and anyone else that has stood in the gap for me and my family. If you really know us, you know our REAL story. It has not been easy, but we are making the best of what we have. 

R.I.P. Daddy forever a daddy’s girl 

If you aren’t growing, you’re dying. ~Z. Reed✌🏾️

I was she. She was me. She is a product of struggle that dates back to her ancestors. Her growing self hate instituted by her oppressors. 

Her anger is worsened when she is told to”get over it”, but “never forget”. The decision to stand up for her own is often filled with immense self regret. 

Her black culture, heritage and history stripped only to remain in constant speculation. Her dark skin is a reminder of social, historical and physical degradation. 

She is strong only because she has to be. She is conditioned to carry her burdens within so the world can not see.

She was taught to hate her curves so she starves herself to fit in. She despises her darkness and therefore hates the rich melanin in her skin. 

Ridiculed for her choice to educate herself in lieu of starting a family. She is no longer an option and often alone left standing. 

When she does not choose to stand in the midst of negative racial norms and expectations, she is marginalized because she does not fulfill her “cultural” obligation. 

If her hair is too coarse, she is accused of being “too black”. If her bundles don’t reach down to her full backside, she is not considered a “favorable” catch. 

She is often confused as to what is expected of her to ensure that she is unconditionally accepted. When she ignores the “norms” and chooses to be herself she is often rejected.

Her anger often boils over as she is actively aware of the many hurdles that she has to jump over to be included. She tries tirelessly to play her role of subserviency while somehow simultaneously remaining deeply rooted. 

The angry black woman understands her history as well as recognizes the need for resilience in her choices. Because she is often ignored, when she speaks up, her actions and voice are often times considered too boisterous. 

In spite of systematic adversity, she works relentlessly to find happiness wherever that may be. In the midst of self actualization, she realizes that her anger is detrimental to her reaching her “God” given full capabilities. She welcomes change from every direction she is able to physically and emotionally see. The angry black woman, I am no longer her and she is no longer me. ~Written by Z. Reed

   
So stop. 

   
Staright from the impoverished streets of Trinity Garden, Tx. 

Change is uncomfortable. Change forces us to look at the ugly within ourselves before we can point out what we don’t like in others. ~Z. Reed

Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing(s) over and over while expecting favorable results. We do this very thing in our own lives and “normal” routines that we complete mindlessly daily. What we fail to realize is that what is normal to us may be insane or abnormal for a number of reasons to those on the outside looking in. I had that experience a few moments ago as I finally sat down to revisit my day and remembered that I had only eaten once. As I soak in my first open house as a teacher, finish grading papers, read a book with my 3 year old, sign parent stuff for my 8 year old and complete my own homework assignments, I’ve come to the conclusion that I am in insane. 

I’m one of those individuals who thrives in chaos. Hence the title of my blog. I was the kid, and still am, that chooses to study while music is blasting with the television on. Despite what my grandmother would fuss about, noise helps me think and retain information. I think my theory was proven true because I’m ACTIVELY working on my Phd. 😜 I share a strong belief in regard to our experiences having direct effects on our behaviors as well as outcomes. In regard to my own life, I am convinced that my exposure to dysfunction early on activated the drive that we all have inside that innately controls our will to survive. My husband says I think with more than 10% of my brain. The verdict is still out on that lol! Lucy much. 

In the midst of complete dysfunction,I learned how to function. I embraced pain and the things that people told me I couldn’t do in effort to achieve personal satisfaction and success. At the end of the day, if I don’t achieve the goals I set for myself, I will have no one to blame but me. I try to maximize my 24 hours a day to see if I can get 25. Some people clinch their pearls when I share with them my experiences within the last few years. They look at me dumbfounded when I mention that I’m BACK in school. I’m asked questions like why would you put yourself through that AGAIN. My response is always the same, why not. 

I stopped comparing my life to the life of others a long time ago. When I was an angry person, I used to envy people that never experienced adversity or struggle. I would often wonder if my existence had been cursed by the actions of those that were responsible in raising me because life was once that crappy to me. That envy eventually turned into pity for those that managed to avoid the challenges of life because they will never know what it feels like to fight for what they want. The victory is that much sweeter when you have bruises to show for it. When you willfully put yourself through discomfort to obtain permanent comfort, you become greater. You become greater because struggle requires you to be greater in effort to overcome it. 

As I go through my checks and balances to make sure my day runs smoothly tomorrow, I revisit my relentlessness. I give myself my nightly pep talk to make sure I am ready to save the world again starting with my daily alarm at 5:45 am. Although my feet are throbbing and I’m physically exhausted, my future awaits me daily. I remind myself that I’m not a quitter by nature and I was literally groomed for this. I will rest when my work is done. Until then, I will grind until it is no longer neccessary.  

  I thought my twist out and color was dope in between my students taking notes on figurative language lol! 

 There is definitely more where that came from. 

Step outside of the box. You will be glad you did.   
I smile before I prepare to squeeze in a few hours of sleep. Insanity you are welcome. I rather count you than sheep.~Z.Reed

We spend way too much time worried about what others think of us. There was a time when I was so unsure of myself that I let the opinions of others define me. I was afraid to think outside of the box because that meant that I would figuratively and literally be outside of the box. When I decided to be me, I started experimenting with physical changes. The most liberating decision I made was in June of 2008. I cut ALL of my hair off in my quest to free myself from the way others felt I should look. Once I survived the initial shock and negative opinions by those I valued, I knew it was no turning back. To most who only knew me superficially, it was just a haircut. To me, it was the beginning of a spiritual journey and the ending of physical as well as emotional tourment.  

People are always amazed that I am so raw and open in my writings. I’ve had things said to me like oh my God, I would never put my “business” out there like that. My favorite feedback is everybody knows your “business” now, so they can gossip about you. Here is a little secret. They already knew my “business” because I wore my “secrets” in my life. People have always gossiped about me with speculation, now they have the truth. When you take back the power of your “secrets” from others, they have nothing to talk about. It is not as interesting when EVERYONE knows the things you once were afraid of one person knowing. Being completely honest with yourself means humbly accepting the things you loathe about you. I mean emphatically embracing transparency. Stop lying to yourself. Chances are the ones you “think” you’re lying to already know the truth. DO YOU and be proud of YOU!!!😉😘✌🏾️👌🏾 

   
It wasn’t the first time and surely won’t be the last. Learn from your mistakes and move on. Stop beating yourself up for what you did or didn’t do. Stop covering old wounds and let them get some air so they can start healing today. ~Z. Reed 

 When I understood that what I had gone through was designed to kill me but didn’t, I became my own motivation that I needed to live. People turn their noses up at some of the things I’ve been through willingly as well as unwillingly. I say to them, you could NEVER go where I’ve been and be even close to who I am for it today.👊🏾💪🏾~Z. Reed
   Stop putting on a free show for those that wouldn’t even pay to see you live in concert. If who you really are is that unfavorable, do the work to change you. ~Z. Reed

 Circa 2008 Big Chop. I smiled to keep from crying. I look like I had no care in the world because my world was beyond care. It needed active attention and change. I gave it the love it needed to bloom so I could live today. 🌻

I’m one of those parents who feels bad when I buy or do things for myself. I have buyers remorse before I even buy anything smh. I talk myself out of just about anything that is beneficial to me because my family is always first on my mind and heart. My husband and close friends are always telling me to worry about myself more than others. If I do that, then who will worry about those no one cares about? Ahhhhhhhh…….the life of a teacher and clinician. When I became a mother, I wanted to give my kids EVERYTHING I did not have growing up. That list included love, protection, joy and some of the material desires of their hearts. As I write this, I’m exhausted from a week of teaching and daily mornings starting before 6 am. My kids insisted on going to their soccer game, so I better make this quick. Sigh.

Sometimes I wish I could turn off my “mothering intuition”. You know the feeling you get when you know your child is about to puke and the only thing you have to catch it in is your hands. True story. That’s what being a mother feels like EVERYDAY. The constant anxious feeling waiting for something to happen never ends. It doesn’t help that I’m more anxious than the average person to begin with. I don’t do girlfriend getaways often because I think the world will end when I’m not at home. I trust my husband’s ability to keep our kids alive, partially clean and fed. I’m aware that there are things that only a mom can provide. When she is gone for even a few hours, everything can go to hell in a hand basket.

You don’t know how much you will sacrifice when you are chosen to be a parent. I trade hair appointments and sleep for kid parties as well as impromptu undeserved trips to Toys R Us. I mean you are LITERALLY responsible for another human being when you become a parent. That is the greatest honor as well as the most difficult challenge that anyone can face. Being responsible for yourself is innate. However, knowing everyday that you have the potential to screw up or make better the life of another is very intimidating to say the least. Their existence is dependent upon your choices. That’s still scary and I’ve been a parent for almost 9 years.😳 

I became a parent at a very young and was instantly discouraged by others telling me that my life was over. Simply put, they were all liars. I lost time for myself, but I gained life from my monsters. Being a parent means feeling guilty about everything you do for yourself, but secretly enjoying every minute of it because your kiddos are happy. 😁
   
    

I keep this picture in my phone because my kid hates it and it gets him to stop crying lol! If it ain’t broke don’t fix it. 😂

 
My kid just spilled juice on my butt. Off to soccer we go!!! Smh. This piece is probably filled with mistakes that I will correct in between water breaks. I wrote it while looking for matching clothes for them and managing to only brush my teeth. I’m sure others will appreciate that at least lol! 

Being a mother means many mornings of waking up in someone else’s urine and you’re sober. ~Z. Reed 😂

God is often used as a scapegoat or tool to validate failures, loses and gains. Religion removes the accountability from the things we engage in that we know are wrong. I’ve been judged by quite a few people. Most of whom claim to be Christian or apart of some other religious affiliation. The reason I was often given was that I was being “judged” based on the values in the Bible. Mind you, they became a “Christian” merely a few years prior to and what they were choosing to “judge” me on was absent of religion. Doesn’t the bible say judge not, less Ye be judged? Moving right along. I laughed because I knew things about them before they “changed their lives” and I chose to never hold that against them. I posed a question asking them if they did not use the Bible to validate their opinions toward me, where would their “judgement” lie. They had no direct answer and searched for a verse to back up their rationale. Needless to say, that conversation ended along with that relationship. 

We blame “God” for our misfortunes instead of being accountable for our actions. If you know that you did not deserve the promotion at your job, why say that God has something better for you? If you do not or did not do the work to get the things you desire, you will NOT attain them. Simple as that. The Bible clearly states that faith without works is dead. As simple as it may be, that verse even gets manipulated so that individuals can rationalize their behavior. Human beings have an absolute discomfort for the unknown. We are intelligent creatures that have to make sense of the world around us even if what we wish to learn makes no sense. In doing so, we make constructs up that comfort our poor decision making so that we don’t feel bad about the what, why and how. Things don’t work out because they don’t work out. Is there a possibility that you did or ignored something that ultimately prevented your success? If we honestly dissect our problems we will find the source is often ourselves. 

Prayer is a tool that can be used within as well as outside of religion. I use prayer for mental peace, comfort, spirituality and clarity. I don’t know if I have honestly received any answers from my prayers, but I have gained peace of mind as well as a stronger reliance on my inner intuition. Prayer helps me to rely on myself to make sound decisions. It settles my mind and returns me to a place of solace. I pray to “God”. But much like the majority of you guys reading, this concept of “God” was told to me. 

As I’ve gotten older, by way of my experiences and learning, I’ve adjusted some of my views as well as values. My studies caused me to see some of the negative effects that religion creates. Division being the most apparent and detrimental. In order to understand the world around us, we put EVERYTHING into groups. Socioeconomic status, race, color, education, sexual orientation and religion or just a few constructs or groups we place each other in I effort to exclude. In church, I was taught that “God” is just and fair. According to Webster, just is defined as being without bias and/or preferences. The things I witnessed outside of the words I was taught in church supporting the ideal of a just “God” had shown me otherwise. Religions preach acceptance and exclusion at the same time. People that do not share the same beliefs are labeled “nonbelievers” and are simply not included. I belonged to a church for the majority of my life. When my circumstances caused me to make some life changes, I was excluded. No longer being invited to events or asked to be apart, I knew that my “tie” or affiliation had been broken. I was now a member of the out-crowd. Hypocrisy. 

Church or church like environments are comfortable because you are in the presence of likeminded individuals. Imagine the discomfort you feel when you are in the presence of a group where you are the only one like yourself. Questioning religion, beliefs or values gives individuals that same sense of aloneness. I felt it when I was searching for answers to end my constant pain. People will ostracize you without hesitation as soon as you ask the question why. When I did ask for clarity, I was reminded how I was not supposed to question God or the Bible. I was only trying to make sense of what I was reading. How can I agree with something I don’t understand? In an educational setting, we are encouraged to ask questions to make sense of information that we obtain. In religion, we are told to accept what we are given in fear of negative repercussions. 

Yes, I’ve had my share of difficulties both when I was very active in my Christian beliefs as well as when I was transitioning to a different way of thinking. It is inate to shift blame. Test this theory by asking a child why they chose to do something. Nothing is ever my 8 year old’s fault. I’ve never blamed my unfortunate circumstances on “God” or the lack of “God’s” presence. Instead, I looked critically at what I did or did not do that caused me to experience the discomfort I was in. “God” did not make me choose a volatile relationship, I did. “God” did not make me become pregnant outside wedlock, I did. “God” did not make me give up on dreams I designated for myself, I did. “God” created me with the abilities to achieve the desires of my heart if I do the work. My belief in my destiny coupled with my relentless drive, makes me believe I can move mountains. And I have. 

I live worry free because I choose to. I choose to turn my worry into work in effort to change the unfavorable aspects of my life. Even the most wealthiest person who believes in “God” will tell you that they worked their butts off to get what they have. Prayer is merely the place where they found emotional as well as mental peace. Without doing the work, they would have nothing but their prayers. Again, I’m not arguing if there is a “God” or what is right or wrong to believe. I’m simply requesting that people stop blaming “God” for their mistakes and take responsibility for their own actions.  

   
    
 No one says Thank “God” for struggles until they have made it out of them and are far removed from those situations. I was the opposite. I said thank you while I was there because I learned some important things about myself as well as the people I involved myself with. 

EVERYTHING we do in this life is a choice. The outcomes to follow are a result of what we do or failed to do. God is not a master puppeteer, pulling strings to help some while hurting others. He’s too real for that. ✌🏾️

I think I’ve went through all of the stages of grief, happiness and love these past three years. It has been interesting to say the least. If you can find someone that is willing to put up with your baggage, moods and growth process, you have found a winner. My husband has been my ONLY support system most of the times and has seen me through some really ugly moments. Things that we have experienced during this short timespan, have been life changing as well as awakening. We lost friendships and other relationships during the beginning stages of our marriage. We didn’t know if we could make it through our personal issues to truly enjoy the full beauty of our marriage. There were times that I wanted to simply quit. I’m sure he has felt the same way. It would have been easier to walk away from the unknown and go back to the known chaos I had chose to leave. I’m glad I stuck around and am finally cashing in on my return lol! 

Relationships are investments. What you put into them is literally what you will get out of it. If you bring negativity to your spouse or significant other, you are sure to get negativity back. I often wonder how people rationale their mistakes in their relationships by blaming the other person for their actions that ultimately hurt them. True enough, everyone is responsible for their own actions. But to some degree, we share responsibility in the way others treat and respond to us. I can truthfully and apologetically say that my past relationships have had effects on the way I interact with my husband. I have to make a conscious effort to not let my scars taint our future. My husband has been my shoulder to cry on and my punching bag simultaneously. I asked him just last night why would he even want to deal with someone like me. See, I know and can honestly say I’m a work in progress that often backslides lol. He shut me up with the simple words, because I love you. 

Although my husband and I are very different and do not share some of the same ideals, we compliment each other. We embrace the things in each other that we may lack independently. I am jealous that my husband can keep cool under immense pressure. I am grateful that he is more practical than me at times when it comes to dealing with our children and the conflicts that may arise at school. Most importantly, I am blessed that my husband is not like the men I have dealt with in the past and he allows me to be me. Having someone that can look at you at your worst and say you’re beautiful is beyond priceless. Having someone that understands your darkest secrets and does not judge you for them is relieving. Being able to be you all the time is absolutely liberating. For that I say thank you.  

No, our relationship is not perfect, but it’s perfect for us. We probably argue and disagree more than we have “normal” days. A daily debate in my house is normal lol! But what works for us works for us and that’s all that matters. I was never excited about having to date or get to know someone all over again because I felt I had wasted so much time and energy in my previous marriage. This often kept me from entertaining men that would try to actively pursue me. I had rehearsed lines so much to avoid dates that I started to believe them. My favorite was I’m working on me and am not trying to get to know anyone new. Then he showed back up and I was out of excuses lol! It has been an interesting ride to say the least and I’m excited to see where our marriage goes. Cheers to the last 3 years and cheers to 3 more. Happy Anniversary to US!!! 
   

We had very little and still don’t have support in managing our marriage. It can be very difficult to stay married with little to no support. I believe that the marriages that nobody pours into but the parties involved are the ones that can sustain anything. Your isolation forces you to depend on one another for your needs while nurturing the bond that you share. 
    
    

  
 I think they knew something I DEFINITELY didn’t lol! 

  

Truth! 😁