This conversation really happened and happens often at the barbershop where my son and husband get their hair cut. My husband often remains neutral as he knows what’s best for him lol. I’m just kidding. It’s usually because he knows that I share some strong feelings in regard to this particular subject and am not afraid to voice them. Here is my disclaimer when I choose to discuss controversial topics as such. I AM PRO BLACK, BUT I AM NOT ANTI ANYTHING. Now that we have that out of the way, let’s get to the bottom of this. 

When the guy that works at the barbershop made this statement, I was immediately taken aback. My initial reaction was of disgust. I was shocked that he would say something like that in a predominantly African American MALE setting with some African American WOMEN present. However, I was not surprised at what he said because I know of some of his personal circumstances. I will just leave that sitting there to marinate lol. I asked him to explain his PERSONAL rationale to support this idiotic claim. I was instantly intrigued as to what he was about to enlighten me with so that I could use it against him in an argument lol! 

He began to explain to me how “BLACK” women were too difficult to deal with and are full of drama. He mentioned that “BLACK” women complain and demand way too much. I replied by saying and other women don’t. He was convinced that BLACK women had it out for the BLACK man and only wished to make their lives miserable. He stated that black women think they know everything and don’t know “THEIR PLACE”. 😳 He ended his rant by saying other women do whatever their men tell them to. I said and that is where the problem lies. I detect a major problem with the “picker” and not so much the “pickee”. Yep, I made that word up. 

I started to explain to him that the BLACK man that he is referring to is jaded and self hating. The insecurities that this BLACK man suffers from hinders his ability to accept the strong characteristics within the black woman that he may lack. BLACK women were made strong through adaptations stemming from the institute of slavery. BLACK women have had to share the same roles as BLACK men, bear children that would potentially be sold and have had to carry the emotional baggage associated with their femininity being traded for a sack of cotton. This would cause anyone to be “tough”. The BLACK man has issues valuing himself, also stemming from the effects of slavery. Therefore, the capacity is absent that enables him to value the BLACK woman. Pay attention to the ways in which black relationships are depicted in television and in film. 

That brings me directly to my next point. Mass media has done an excellent job of portraying what is “thought” to be the dynamic of the BLACK man and BLACK woman’s relationship. Shows like Being Mary Jane, Power and Empire, although watched by me and others, often show the BLACK woman in an unfavorable manner in her relationship role with a man. BLACK woman often play roles where they are extremely subservient or completely bellicose. Their roles often diminish the ability for them to stand up for themselves. When they play more “contentious” or “masculine” roles, they are often single and/or have a lucrative career. This within itself is a covert ultimatum that is being interpreted indicating that BLACK women can’t be financially successful while maintaining a healthy relationship. 

The problem here is that we are influenced heavily by the media. The more these roles are illustrated through media sources, the more believable and real they become. They become so believed that BLACK women in non-fantasized society that share some similarities like the women in the media roles are treated the same way the women are in the fictitious roles. I have friends and associates that are attorneys, CEO’s as well as doctors. They have the worst time trying to find a mate within our culture and/or race that is not intimidated by their success. They say that they often downplay their economic status because BLACK men loathe the fact that they are able to provide for themselves in the absence of a man. This makes men feel more like an option than a necessity. Speaking of which, I thought being in a relationship or being married was an option anyway? You mad or nah? 

I’ve never actually dated outside of my race, but I have been approached several times by men that were non African American. I’m sure it was due to the environments like school and sports that I was involved in. The guys would range from your Ben Afffleck’s to your Paul Wall’s. If you’re from the South you know the latter lol! I was never interested because of my personal reasons that existed outside the lack of melanin in their skin. I felt like they could not relate to my culture and ethnic background. I was concerned about how the relationship would be received by my friends and family. I worried about loosing my identity as I would knowingly and unknowingly try to adapt to his. My friends that have dated outside of their race told me that it was a very different experience and difficult at times. They told me about the pressures that existed from both cultures within the relationship being too heavy because of the stigmas and stereotypes of the outside world. 

The feminist movement as well as as the empowerment of the BLACK woman has caused a shift in the way women view being in an relationship. More BLACK women are single mother’s not because they are old spinsters, but they are actually choosing to go this route. BLACK women are choosing to educate themselves enabling them to occupy jobs that were once filled by males only. BLACK women are making the same amount of money, if not more, as their counterparts. I know someone is reading this smacking their lips saying, BUT women are supposed to SUBMIT to their men. I will say this and leave it here for individual interpretation and comments only. BLACK men, instead of wanting your BLACK queen to submit to you in the absence of being worthy to submit to, build her up so that she does not have a problem letting you lead. This can actually apply to ALL men across cultures, race, as well as ethnicity. 

  
Oh hey wig and beautiful BLACK queen who values herself first and foremost. 

When I was “easier” to date, I had no standards. When I started to actually value my worth, I became “difficult”. ~Z. Reed

I couldn’t copy info directly from the article, but it was an interesting read. Check it out and see what some BLACK men had to say in regard to why BLACK women are hard to date. http://www.blackstate.com/dateblackwomen.html

Yesterday was a momentous day in American as well as African American history. Just as I was celebrating, I was utterly grossed out by some of the comments made by other human beings. I was even more in shock at some of the words from those that share the same melanin in their skin as my dear sister Sandra Bland. I usually don’t comment on “political” or “race” driven issues because I instantly become angry. But for attentions sake, I will move on. I was restless in my spirit and felt that I had to get some things off of my chest. What better place to do it than MY blog.

I’ve read on MULTIPLE posts and sites stating that Sandra Bland was undeserving of the street being named after her in Texas. People tried to validate their points and perspectives by saying she was “bullying” the cop and/or she killed herself. I will say this until I am blue in the face, NONE OF US WERE THERE. The media creates propaganda and pedagogy to create mass panic and division. Videos and other pieces of “evidence” are manipulated to sway the viewers one way or another. We feed right into the hidden agendas and propaganda intended to fuel the tearing down of specific groups of people. I will say that this historic moment exposed the true colors of some people that I considered “associates” or “likeminded” individuals. So it was definitely worth something. 

We have streets named after Martin Luther King all over the country. Not to take away from ANYTHING that Dr. King accomplished, but he also had some flaws in his character. However, his character flaws did not take away from his movement and what he stood for. If you’ve seen some of the things that Ms. Bland has posted on various social media sites before the “world” got ahold of it, you will see that she was absolutely for the empowerment as well as positive advancement for African Americans as a whole. That one encounter that ultimately cost her her life does not define her as a human being, nor does it take away from what she believed in. It actually solidifies what she spoke freely about and showed us her fears full circle. We forgot that Abraham Lincoln owned slaves, but we still spend money. The FBI was founded by a known racist biggot J. Edgar Hoover, but his statue is still up. 

I loathe the fact that people are comparing Sandra Bland’s circumstances to those of Mike Brown. Let’s visit both of these tragedies. Mike Brown, unarmed, was viciously gunned down by an officer. His actions prior to the incident, much like Ms. Bland, were sensationalized. The video clip we saw of what was “allegedly” him in the convenience store depicted him in a very negative manner. The encounter with the officer that murdered him is still in question because dead people don’t talk and NO ONE WAS ACTUALLY THERE. People justify his death by saying that he reached for the officers weapon or provoked the attack in one way or another and then tried to flee. Correct me if I’m wrong, an individual fleeing an officer, unarmed, is no longer a physical threat. But yet instill he’s dead. Sandra Bland was unlawfully arrested alive, but ended up mysteriously deceased. People justified her death and maltreatment by the officer(s) saying she hung herself or was noncompliant with an “order” given to her. Since when did being a cop make you better than the next human being? Since when did P.O.P. (Pissed off the police) become a crime worth death. Let us not forget Oscar Grant, Eric Garner, Freddie Gray and Samuel DuBose who were also “noncompliant” with police and ended up dead. Their deaths could have been prevented if people simply valued the lives of others and were not hell bent on asserting their spoken “power” over another. Take away some of these badges and give them whistles. We will see how “fair” and tough some of these “officers” really are. 

We support ideologies of a country that was built on the disenfranchisement and oppression of other groups of people. There are streets in Atlanta that were laid brick by brick by African American slaves that are still being driven on today. The right to vote was given to African Americans only 50 years ago. My grandmother is 81 years young. She survived the civil rights movement, the depression, the recession, the feminist movement, indentured servitude, segregation and voting acts. Try telling her that she should “just get over” the things that she has seen and is actively seeing today. We are told to remember events that support patriotism, but told to forget those that show the racism that is hidden in our constitution as well as laws. There is a serious problem and disconnect in this world when it comes to being sensitive to the differences of others. The most evident difference lies in the ones that we can see. Skin color, race, heritage, ethnicity, and culture. The next time I hear someone say I don’t see color, I’m going to ask them how do they fill out a job application. Ignoring color is a form of racism. There is an excellent article on Psychology Today that talks about this. 

The only problem I see with the memorial for Sandra Bland is that my community came together to create a positive change in remembrance of this young lady. The protests, marches and rally’s never stopped, but weren’t publicized because they were peaceful. It didn’t keep the attention of the media because it didn’t create mass panic, cause rioting or reinforce the negative stigmas and stereotypes of black culture. I think if we are getting street names changed, then something is working. Let’s keep that positive momentum going and eventually limitations will be blurred. Those that choose to focus on what they “think” Sandra Bland as well as some of the others that I mentioned were about have already lost the race. Like the Dos Equis commercial says, stay thirsty for public pedagogy and appropriation my friend. Some of you guys are just all the way sleep.   
   
    
 
There is no such thing as freedom of speech. Your freedom lies in accepting the repercussions both positive and negative for your voice. I’m owning mine because I will speak in truth no matter who is offended. ~Z.Reed

I know this is an usual time to post for me, but I was having a teacher moment. As you guys know, I teach in an nonconventional school setting that focuses on the needs of each individual student. Let me put this out there because I know they will read it. I could not ask for a better staff to work with and definitely not a better group of kids to teach. I believe that this  school chose me and not the other way around. I am very grateful and honored!!!!! 

This summer, out of boredom, I caught the blogging bug. I had no idea where my writing would go, if anywhere, and definitely no inclination about what I would achieve from writing. I’ve gained so much emotional freedom and clarity about various aspects of my life that has allowed me to embrace some of the things I once hid behind. I am proud to say that my writing has been able to reach THOUSANDS of people in and outside of the United States. People have gotten to know the real me absent of all the roles I have had to play throughout the  years. Most importantly, people are healing from my transparency enabling them to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. 

In professional development before school, I decided that my students grades 6-12 were going to write a blog instead of the usual hand written journal. My principal as well as other fellow staff members thought it was an excellent idea. I figured that blogging would help them perfect skills that they would need in life as we move to a full technological world. Also, it would cut down on tons of paper that I would have to read. From last year, I knew that my kiddos loathed writing because they hadn’t been taught the art of being able to put their thoughts into words. Hesitatingly, I presented the idea to my students on the first day of school. I can proudly say tonight that the majority of them have created their accounts and submitted their first blogs. 

In doing so, I made my blog open to their viewing as well as comments. I knew that this would create a lot of questions and raised eyebrows at me, but I was ready. I believe a huge problem with adults is that once we feel like we’re “grown” we become secretive in our pasts. I’m not saying you have to divulge every single detail of your existence to children, but I do believe in sharing some of those dark moments in effort to give hope. I wanted the kids to see that their teacher was just like them and has had her share of hardships that could have broken me. I wanted them to see that I came from backgrounds similar or maybe worse than some of theirs, but I made it. I wanted them to see that I was their ELA/PE/Health/Coach/Teacher, but Most importantly I’m human. 

I’ve read a few blog posts from my babies and I am genuinely elated and surprised. Some of them barely talk in class so it’s hard to believe that some of this “art” is coming from them. I was taught to never judge a book by its cover. However, when all you get to see is the cover you eventually start to formulate your own individual opinions. Today my opinions and misconceptions have been erased by my loves as they reopened my eyes and heart to be able to appreciate their creative freedom. I am excited about this academic year because they are excited. I am anxiously anticipating the new avenues my babies will embrace and explore because they are choosing to write. 

   
    
   

  

   
    
   
These are some gems I had in my phone from last year. I can’t wait to see what this year holds. The best is yet to come! ✌🏾️

My weekend consisted of getting my hair dyed purple and aqua, buying MORE school supplies and giving tons of relationship advice. The latter ultimately influenced my blog post that I will attempt to make sensible on my teacher “planning period”. Let me put my disclaimer out there, I’M NO RELATIONSHIP EXPERT. HOWEVER, I have been married twice and have a had a host of failed relationships. Sigh…….I digress. As I talked with a client/friend this weekend, I started to rethink this confusing ambiguous construct of “relationships”. By the time she was finished doing my hair, I even questioned my own role in my current relationship lol! Here is what I came up with in the specific order In which I think they belong.

1. Rules of Engagement/Law of Attraction-Simply put, what grabbed our attention initially about the person we are involved with. Before we begin to lie and talk about our spouses or partners personality, let’s be real and address what is evident. When we saw our lovely significant other, we were attracted to something physical only because that’s all we were able to see. No one is attracted to someone that they don’t find physically or transactionally appealing. When I say transactional, I mean looking for something that can be gained from another absent of what you have to offer.  However, after having several conversations with the person you are interested in, one may have become intrigued with the content of their minds and hearts that they have chosen to PRESENT us with. “Clears throat”. We fell in “lust” with the way the person looked, dressed, what they had or the potential of having and/or the way they carried themselves. This prompted our need to do further research on them with what we refer to as “dating”.

2. Mental/Moral Compatibility- Christians explain this construct by using the verse in the bible that states that we should be equally yoked. In a non Christian environment, I would explain this by saying that the person we choose to be involved with should have similar core and moral values as ourselves. This will prevent breakdowns in communication as well as save each person wasted time. This was part of the issue in my first marriage. I also know some close friends as well as family members that have struggled with this that ultimately ended their relationships. Stop planning your whole life out by the second date because you and the other person are not on the same page. It just appears that way because you are infatuated with the “things you have in common” which only go as far as I like the way you look. Ladies and gents listen up…….BEFORE you have children with your partner, spouse or significant other, please find out if that person even wants children. Once again……I digress lol!

3. Gains versus losses- AGAIN, being honest. Relationships are transactional. Some people give more than they receive or vice versa. We all, and if you haven’t you should, weigh the pros and cons of being in our individual relationships. What are we giving up to be with this person? This is more important than what we will gain because loosing anything puts us at a deficit. Despite what people say, EVERYONE gives up something to be in a relationship. It can be our personal space, time, money, feelings etc. Whatever it may be, it is still a personal sacrifice. If you are actively weighing your gains versus your losses and the scales are somewhat unbalanced, either way, it may be time to reconsider some things.

4. Love- YES love is last because love is something that grows as the relationship matures. Let’s be real once again, and TRUTHFULLY examine the reasons why you are in a relationship with your significant other. Love is probably not the first reason that comes to mind if you’re honest with yourself. Love won’t hold together a failing relationship, but potential will. We often confuse this feeling with infatuation that can last way beyond the I do’s. Divorce rates are at an all time high because people don’t truthfully evaluate their feelings before marriage and instead are trying to fulfill societal norms as well as expectations. Relationships like this are almost GUARANTEED to fail. Love is accepting a person’s flaws as well as attributes. Love is being willing to help nurture an individual’s passion and goals while often times ignoring yours. Love is being there for someone when they are at their lowest. Love is accepting that person for who they are and nothing more. You can NOT change anyone and it is NOT your responsibility to even try and do so. In the words of Ms. Angelou, if someone shows you who they are, believe them. If the person is doing more things you don’t like than they are doing that you do like, you already know what time it may be.

The survival as well as the dynamic of your relationship should be based on your own expectations and not those of others. They don’t have to live with your partners, you do. Choose wisely. And last but not least, to each his own!

I thought you guys cared about my hair because my students and I think it’s cool. Here are some pics for your viewing enjoyment lol!

  

Hey my other favorite kitchen beautician lol!!

Voila!! The humidity did a number today so it’s nothing like this now lol! Oh the joys of Southern living. NOT!!!

What we see on the outside is no indication of the internal struggles that an individual may be experiencing. Some of the people we know that appear to be the happiest or strongest are struggling the most. I can remember feeling so low inside at times and having to put on a smile so that no one would know I was hurting. There were days I cried all the way to work, but had to leave my heartache in my car before I walked into my job. I will surely never forget the times that I hadn’t eaten in almost twenty-four hours, but I smiled so no one would know that I was fatigued and weak from hunger. I can’t ever forget the nights I spent in the dark because my lights were disconnected from my inability to afford the bill. I told my daughter that we were playing a game that required the entire house to be dark. She was so happy and oblivious to what was really going. I wept when she was asleep to only get up the next day and face the same things over again. Sigh. 

You never know what it takes for someone to even get out of the bed in the morning, let alone face the scrutiny of the world. Be slow to judge, but quicker to care. If you have never been in a place of complete and utter struggle before, in my grandmother’s words, keep living. Life has a funny way of humbling us when we think we have escaped it’s attacks. No one is exempt from the trials and tribulations of life. No one. 

The next time you see someone who looks disheveled or like life has beaten them down, offer them some kindness. Even if it’s just a few words, you never know how you can change someone’s life by just speaking positivity in their dark places. In some of my darkest moments, the words of my closests friends were all that I had. They kept me going when I wanted to literally die. You guys know who you are. I love you and am forever grateful. 

Kindness is the energy we need to make positive change in the world. Spread some today!~Z.Reed ✌🏾️

 
  

 I’ve been told that my smile and eyes are some of my best physical attributes. Even though they are blue in this picture, they hid some of the sickest pain I never want to experience again. I wanted to reinvent myself in every way possible so no one would see me for who I really was.  I felt makeup, hair and other things we do to alter our appearance was enough to hide my pain and flaws from the world. It wasn’t enough and actually made things worse because I didn’t deal with the mental and emotional pain that was killing me within. 

Many people often ask me how I am able to give so much of myself to others and still maintain to ability to remain somewhat sane. Sometimes I’m in awe and have no words to answer this simple question because I don’t exactly know how I do it . After attending soccer practice with the little ones this morning, I found a more specific answer. Simply put, I nurture myself as well as my well being and this protects my sanity. I’ve had some extremely negative experiences in my past that could have adversely impacted my life. Instead, I choose to embrace the most difficult aspects of my life in purposeful effort to reinvent a more positive version of myself. 
 

Each moment we are alive, our experiences vary day to day. It is very important that we take full advantage of the time we have in effort to be the best “us” possible. Take time to reflect on the things that make you happy more than you focus on the things that make you less than happy. I often think of individuals that I’ve lost along my personal journey of life. Some have left me physically while others emotionally and mentally. Either way, I am able to evaluate the relationship and try to take something from it in regard to my sense of self. 

You are your best investment. As my title says, pour into yourself. You are no help to anyone when your life is in extreme disarray. When I started working for Child Protective Services in Texas, I was still in an abusive marriage. When I would go on cases where family violence was involved, I can remember feeling like a complete contradiction. There I was removing kids from parents that are involved in the same circumstances I was actively in. I was doing a disservice to my child, my clients and even more so myself by remaining in that situation. I had to make some critical changes and fast in order to save my life. In doing so, I took my responsibility in being an active participant in that relationship in order to heal, move forward and not make the same mistakes again. I was completely invested in growing from that experience and so I did. 

Pouring into yourself can seem selfish to others because you are no longer readily available to be used. When in fact, what you are doing is actually better for yourself as well as those that you choose to keep in your life. Those that mind don’t matter and those that matter won’t mind. Individuals that truly care about you will understand your transition and welcome the new you with an open heart and mind. Pouring into yourself means welcoming new opportunities, purposeful living, obtaining a renewed spirit and adopting a more positive way of thinking. To be the best you for you as well as others, one must take time to fully understand what they need to be emotionally as well as physically functional.  

What I’ve had the most trouble with is coming to terms with a lot of choices I’ve made in life. My mistakes cost me a lot of material loss and almost my life. Once I decided to change my perspective, I learned to embrace all the choices I made in effort to understand where I was headed. The best advice I can give to anyone is to make choices that you are able to look back on and be proud of. However, if there is something that you chose to do that’s makes you less than proud, take the time to intensely analyze your choices in relation to that experience. My pregnancy with my daughter was a choice that I was not the proudest of for a number of obvious reasons. Instead of focusing on my personal issues related to my embarrassment, I chose to focus on my ability to bring life into the world. For that, I am honored and proud. 

Be purposeful in the choices that you make because they will make or break your well being. Take time to understand who you are before you try and understand who anyone else is. You can never go wrong with nurturing your well being because that is all you are left with when no one is around. Pour greatness into your life today and watch the overflow touch the lives of others. 
   
 
I really miss those braids lol! 😎 I dread outdoor activities because of the heat. Yep I know I ran track for a thousand years, but it was never as hot as it has been. Instead of complaining and avoiding the inevitable, thus making my kids stir crazy, I find a way to adapt.

Adapt to what you need to live today. Start by identifying your personal values, goals and needs. Be vigilant in achieving those things and never stray. ~Z.Reed 😘

Today is bitter sweet. I knew it was coming and thought I had prepared myself for it. My 3 year old could hardly contain himself last night as he was excited about his first day of school today. We prepared by getting him a haircut, purchasing his first set of uniforms as well as his first backpack. It’s Spider-Man of course. When my alarm rang for me to get up this morning and start my mindless routine, it finally hit me. In the shower, in between scrubs, I came to the realization that today I am officially a teacher-mom. He talked to his great grandmother on the ride to school and spoke happily about his first day. When we arrived to school earlier than normal, I became more anxious. He skipped ahead of me saying “come on mommy”. He was excited, but I was scared. I started to have all those first day mommy thoughts. He is the youngest kiddo in the school, is he ready? Will he be accepted? Will he need me even if I’m only a few doors down? Will he make friends? Can he go to the potty on his own? Can I even still say potty? What will happen to our mother-son relationship? 

As the other teachers filed in, they could read my anxiety even though I tried to play it cool. They assured me that he would be fine because everyone knows him. I work at a school much like the ones I’ve attended growing up. We refer to it as “the village”. It takes more than just parents to raise children and we pride ourselves on that ideology. However, I didn’t think that I would need “the village” so soon.  He sat at a table across from me and I watched him proudly. He was trying to engage in conversation with the other boys he had met. He was practicing his skills of waiting his turn to speak. He was using his inside voice. He did not spill breakfast on his clothes. I had done well. 

As I type this, I realized that I wasn’t as strong as I thought I would be. I thought the transition would be a little easier considering that I had done this same process five years ago with his sister. The major difference that remained was the fact that I didn’t teach at her school. I didn’t have to purposely quarantine myself so she could adjust. I didn’t have to try and be comfortable. I just was. I guess knowing that this is my last baby to start school also plays a role in my apprehensive feelings. I want him to grow up, but I want him to still need me. How do I adjust when I’m at home? How do I transition between roles? What is he going to call me in class? I never planned to be or wanted to be, now that I think about it, a teacher-mom. But here I am. 

   

   
  
Children are like weeds. They will grow wherever they are. ~Z.Reed

I had to post something today before I started class because my excitement about my first day back in the classroom clouded my writing mind yesterday lol! 

I could not even begin to understand my TRUE and FULL potential until I CHOSE to think positively. Negative thoughts are infectious in every way of our being. Our thoughts control the way we see things and in turn control our outcomes by our responses to those situations and circumstances. Even though my experience in college sports was much less than positive, my coach told me something that stuck with me till this day. 

THOUGHT

WORD

DEED 

Simply put, thoughts become words and words become actions. If you’re thinking negatively,eventually your experiences and perceptions will be negative. Once this altered way of thinking occurs, then you will be negative. To change this, examine the things that you don’t like and work relentlessly to change them. Basking in the things that you don’t like will keep you in those dark places. Free your mind today and BE FREE!!! 

  Thumbs up!!! You can do it!!! Change is possible! Do WORK!!! 😘✌🏾️

Yes, you read it right and I am most definitely going there this morning. We have all struggled at one point in our lives and needed the help of someone or something to level the playing field. There is a stigma that follows these constructs in regard to the motive or demographic of individuals that have to use these services in order to even step up to the plate of life. If you are a parent and have struggled at some point in your life, you have probably had to utilize government assistance one way or another. Myself included. If you are a parent still struggling and have not utilized any of these constructs for their intended purposes, listen up. I’ve heard several stories as well as opinions from parents, male and female, in regard to this particular subject. Here is my take on this controversial topic as well as my personal opinions in relation to my individual experiences. 

Growing up, I was taught to never depend on anyone or anything to help you survive. My grandmother worked multiple jobs to ensure that I had what I needed and then some. I never saw her once use “the system” for anything. I’m sure she could have gotten help because she was taking care of me, but my grandmother was and still is a very proud woman. She chose the latter for her own personal reasons. As I got older, my belief in what I was once taught was challenged as I had my own experiences that in turn influenced my perceptions. 

My first personal experience with food stamps occurred when I was completing my undergrad degree. A classmate told me that if you worked at least 20 hours a week and was full time student, you could get free food. Her exact words not mine. Being a poor starving student, I was all ears. She explained to me the process and I believe I went the next day. I walked out of that place proudly with my Lonestar card loaded with $125 for the month. I was thinking about all the Hamburger Helper and Noodles I could buy. If you’ve ever been a struggling student you know what I mean. The joy was real lol! 

When I became pregnant with my daughter, I was still somewhat unaware of the services that could be provided to me if I needed them. I was still under my grandmother’s health insurance at the time, but had no idea about the logistical side of coverage. To my ignorance, I thought that if you had insurance, that covered whatever medical services you needed. I was greeted by the office manager at the desk of my lovely OBGYN at Kelsey Sebold on my second appointment. She explained to me that my health insurance did not cover prenatal care because it was not apart of my package. I’m sure my grandmother had no expectations of becoming pregnant when she chose our insurance plan so she opted out of this option. Also, I’m even more sure she didn’t plan for me to become pregnant before I was able to afford to do so. She gave me paperwork for Medicaid along with a list of doctors that accepted it because they didn’t. She finished her chat with me by saying with Medicaid, you no longer have a copay. I dried my tears and said where do I sign up. 

After my daughter was born, I utilized WIC as a way to obtain free formula to supplement me breastfeeding because I was still attending school. All I knew was that they gave you free breast pumps, which didn’t work for me by the way, and I no longer had to pay $28 for the special no lactose formula that my baby needed. I had zero shame in the store as I gathered all my cans of high priced gold for the month while people stared. I could tell by their looks that they knew I was “one of those”. I didn’t care because my baby was thriving from this, I was grateful. 

Between my bouts of single motherhood and going through divorce, I struggled immensely. I revisited some of the above methods to make sure my daughter had her basic needs met outside of shelter and clothes. Those things seem to come easier than food for some reason. I felt a little differently about the situation this time because I felt like I no longer needed help because I was a college graduate. I was convinced that I would secure a job that would allow me to provide for her in every way possible absent of any help. I had mixed emotions in regard to child support. I felt like it was an intrusive method that forces adults to be financially responsible for their children that can ultimately create rifts in the parent child relationship. My situation was also not as simple. I didn’t want to take my daughter through the emotional stress that she had just been removed from. I opted out of child support because the process was too difficult considering our circumstances that I explained in the previous blog posts. It was not easy, but we made it and still are. 

Some people will read this and think I’m crazy. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not against any parent doing what they need to do to support their children. I just have my own individual feelings about some of the ways we go about achieving this. Child support is not a supplement for an actual relationship with a child. It is merely an aid to help take care of the child. I received my $125 a month up until my father died in December of 2004. I wish I had him instead of the money that didn’t really help my grandmother pay for anything, especially as I got older. 

These circumstances are different for my daughter so I solicit and value her input as to how she would as well as wants to move forward. She is the one that has to bear her emotions in regard to her relationships as I am only there to support her in those choices. She has two parents that have assumed all lacking responsibilities and I see no immediate need to pursue other actions. I don’t even know if I ever will to be honest. If what you have been doing works for you, by all means carry on. However, the next time you see a parent loading up their basket or choosing to not actively participate in a system that may not work with their individual circumstances, don’t judge. You don’t know how far someone has had to walk unless you are in their shoes. To each his own. 
  

   

   
 

Situations and circumstances are not always what they seem. The real explanation lies within the individuals who actually experience them. Ask before you assume.~Z. Reed 😎✌🏾️